Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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