Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
