Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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