I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize