Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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