Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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