All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
