READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
