After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Randomize
