Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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