I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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