The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
