I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
