she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
