I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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