Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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