Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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