i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
