yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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