The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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