His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
