That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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