how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
