oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize