onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
