i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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