My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
