smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize