i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
