So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
