I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
