Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
