I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
