I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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