Sorry, I don't speak sober.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
