I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize