It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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