I faked an abortion last night.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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