Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Randomize
