After last night, I could never be a politician.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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