dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
