Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
