come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
