When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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