I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
He passed out mid-signature
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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