i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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