I puked a lego.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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