Don't make out with my wife yet
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize