I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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