I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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