mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
