Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
