I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
