I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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