She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize