She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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