A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
