Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
